Ahem... So's there we were stuck, not one of 'em willin to help me dig us out. i'll go to Kord knowin' i coulda dug our way to freedom. Instead HONOR became our key. When i came-to it was like i was pushed through a hole the size of a halfling. Turns out 3 of our 7 either got lost or went to supper with their gods.
I've killed some strange things since i left the city. We runned across these litle gnomish lookin' freaks took back a damned sword i stole from someone we killed. i mean damned in the literal sense... probably worth more than it's weight in gold, but if my sword fell on them once more i'd killed us all. So it's been known now the only way to best the blood hungry bellum is to use magics. or a tree... Back to the sword, it talked to me, i hate things that talk to me without a mouth. i threw it away, just missed the little freaks too. Woulda been a classy touch, but oh well. i met a monk by the name of gustav. bloody giant nearly took my beard froom my face through my boots, although i did get in a few good kicks. the three of us in all couldn't take him, makes me wonder about how long it'll take us to make dragon skin whatevers. this hand thing proved kinda useful so far. Now i can scratch two places and eat all at the same time. That being said i'll dig in for the night and think about those orcs who never knew what hit 'em.... must've been a hundered of those things....

I write tonight out of the need to sort through my thoughts... thoughts of friendship, and confusion. I am in turmoil these past days, I am beginning to fear that my feelings may be clouding my perceptions, interfering with my duties. I had not felt this way, until Annu started acting very strange towards me, and especially towards Xon.

Perhaps it is the events in the Temple of the Wind, of losing Aurhon, of this bitter cold, I don't know. But one thing is clear, she has been making her distrust, perhaps dislike of him more and more overt.

I know I don't share her misgivings, but I still am not sure how I feel about him. There is respect for sure. From moment one, he has impressed and inspired me. I will never have his skill with a blade, nor style of movement. How can one with no elven blood whatsoever move through the shadows so stealthily, like the wild cats of the forest? And be so precise with his attacks. My weapon feels almost messy in comparison. But I know it is more than effective still. I have asked him to teach me some of his techniques in battle, and I am convinced that it is due to these lessons no single foe has been able to stand when surrounded by the two of us.

But what of the other elements of friendship? Kindness, trust?

I find myself remembering that first encounter with Xon. How we spent nearly 10 minutes with Aurhon holding his own weapon at his throat while we interrogated him about the priest's death. He answered all of our questions without actually saying anything of substance! But it was not what he said, nor what he didn't; it was his eyes that led me to believe he was innocent.

Those eyes? fearless, reckless even, but honest. Almost out of place in a man who surrounds himself in confusion, shadow, and arrogance. I have no doubt I trusted him from the start. I know Annu had no such feelings. And I know he held no trust of us in the beginning. He obviously resented the position he had been forced into. Entrusted with the amulet, yet denied it, only to be left following two elves with some ambiguous goal in the northern lands. Perhaps that is why I let him have the amulet back... I hoped to gain some of his trust.

I believe I have gained it. I must believe this, for I seemed to have become more than a little close to this man. I thought I was unafraid, that I could be spontaneous without hurting myself. I suppose that is a bit foolish, thinking on it now. I believed I was untroubled by our closeness, and he seems far from adversely affected.

But I realize now that, for the first time, I have acted on my own desires without thinking of my dear friend. Now I fear I may have seriously troubled Annu. I fear she still does not see what I see in him. She still does not trust him. I must speak with her of these things. Soon.

Among Mystra's blessings in my life Scrying is not one of them. Though her whispers linger in my memory "Clear your mind to see beyond the water," It's still not happening.
Try as I might, no Elminster.
Damn.
Sometimes in the shimmer of the water I can make out an old man, as he may still be, but surely not the teacher of legend I have loved through the stories of my Goddess. Mystra you know him well.
I was so lonely during those many painful years, his stories stayed with me like a good friend. When these travels began I had hopes of the roads, that the my childhood friendship was out there waiting for us. Sillyness! If he even lives such a man would have his own roads to journey.
But, after one hundred and twenty four years I'm unable to let go of an imaginary friend, perhaps an imaginary legend.
I think my mind may have been broken out here in the frozen wasteland.

I already know that today my heart was.

Some friends I need not seek in the scrying pool, thankfully. They are healing in each others arms beside me in this cave. I wonder if they realize how close they hold together in sleep, Xon and my fair Fallahara. (Though how can she sleep close to such snoring?!)

It's true then that they have loved, at least 'lahara no longer evades my questions. Granted, it has taken weeks in the cold blasts and battles to speak about it, but then agian, she has always been my match in stubborness.
But, Xon's match?
It was as difficult for me to see why she would choose him as it is for me to draw images out of the scrying pool, before today.
It's true that Xon is trouble marked, self-motivated, thieving, egotistical, disgustingly flirtatious, cowardly...and...AND WELL TOo many other things to name.
He also cares for 'lahara more than himself, which is more of an honor then he has paid to any being I have seen yet in our journeys by his side.

I keep seeing them in my mind as they were in battle.

The mountian side was burning death for the orcs that had tried to overtake us and this pass. The Ogre. That massive mountian of smelly fury stood agianst Falahara without notice of the flames. Mystra's words couldn't command him down. But, Falahara fought with all her rage and strength, as did he. Blow for blow they unleashed at each other. Xon couldn't bear to see her fall. He charged the path of fire too her and the Ogre, taking the beast to death in his haste. The fiendish Ogre plummited to his final resting place upon the scorched mountian. But, not upon my elven lady who dodged his final fall and collapsed into her lovers arms.

One thing Xon has is timing.

All that I could do was heal thier wounds and ward this cave so that we would mend for tomorrow.
So they sleep. And I contemplate thier future together, our future together. That I can not see in the glassy scying pool.

But, seeing Auhron and the others in the waters gave me hope. Hope enough that our wandering will lead us to them agian. Hope that we will be strong enough to protect him from Shar's darkness. Hope that we will at least be at his side to try. And that is enough to still these tears of mine that fall into this sacred scrying pool, giving our current sorrow to better the sight of others.

My mind is clear as the water now and what I see is the friends I have who lay just beyond it's edge. Mystra only knows what we will see together... tomorrow.

I cannot ignore what has happened between Xon and myself, nor would I want to. I am not ashamed.

I have once again opened my heart to Annu, who forever has been my guide through life. When I talk with her, I know she understands me better than I do. Rillifane, Mystra, why am I so blessed? With each time I look at her, I see strength. If only my faith were as unwavering.

God, I was so lost without her... When she left with only a note behind, I thought it would be all right, that I could be strong and carry on our mission. All the while not daring to allow myself to think about the fear that she would not return. I will never lose her again, I will not allow it.

I was foolish to think of not confiding in her from the start. My feelings for this human, Xon are so very jumbled. Why am I so confused? This is so unlike me. I have not been myself, or perhaps I have, I seem to hardly know myself anymore.

I know I am friend and guardian to my dear Annu. I have always defined myself this way, and I believe I always will.

But now what about this Xon? Before leaving Chandlewood, I could never have understood this type of friendship. Indeed, Aurhon's very existence was a mystery to me, but I know it now, those sorts of boundaries have nothing to do with love.